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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in the "kimblyann" journal:[<< Previous 50 entries]
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09:09 pm
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No Other Expression
When you look upon me, you see only a farce.
I'm not a demon nor do I wear a mask, of carse.
My face is as changing as the sea,
but I wonder, who is the real me?
Am I the girl who smiles, happy as a child?
Am I the one who's serene, calm and mild?
Am I the Mona Lisa, mysterious and silent?
Am I the sex goddess, who's passion is so violent?
Could I be the Sphinx, whose face is so blank?
Or am I a trickster, likely to play a prank?
Am I a blank canvas, on which expression is waiting to be written?
Am I a woman in love, whose heart is clearly smitten?
Does my smile remind you of the sun behind the clouds?
Or do I seem too stern and proud?
When you look at me, do you see anything but a face?
Or is my face sad, knowing it has run its last race?
Am I the woman, waiting for love to appear?
Do I scare you, am I a woman to fear?
Before you go, consider this last notion,
If I don't smile, is there no other expression?
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  sad
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06:42 pm
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Random Thought
This isn't really important, just something that I've been asking a lot of people lately.
A few days ago, a friend of mine and I were talking online, and I turned on my webcam to show him to really wicked bruise on my calf. A few minutes later, he told me to smile and I asked him why. He told me that I should smile more because when I'm not smiling I look sad, like I just saw someone kick a puppy. That made me pause and wonder about what I really do look like when I'm not smiling and I'm not conscious of appearance. Then, later on that day, someone else told me that when I'm not smiling, my face has no expression, but then when I smile, it's like the sun coming out from behind clouds and everything I'm feeling shows up.
So I talked to my first friend again, and asked him if he thought my face had no expression when I wasn't smiling and he said that he kind of did. But that I looked like a painting, so I asked if he meant lifeless, and he said "no, it's just that, when you're not smiling, it's like there's no other expression." I thought that was kinda poetic and sweet in a way. But it's also really made me think about how I look when I'm not smiling. Renee said that when I'm sad, I look sad, but when I'm happy and not smiling, I look serene. Other people have told me that when I'm not smiling I look mean, so it's been on my mind.
What do I look like when I'm not smiling? Do I look like a blank canvas? Do I look like a portrait of some woman whose expression you can't guess? Do I look like Queen Victoria?? lol, I mean, this doesn't plague me, but it has been on my mind a lot.
Onto other questions, should I have another surgery to try and fix my eye to make it look straight and hopefully improve my vision? I'm probably going to need contacts or glasses or something relatively soon as it is because my eyes have been messed up for so long that my vision is finally starting to be affected. I've already had three surgeries to correct it, but if you don't know what "it" is, I'll fill you in.
Take a look at a picture of me where I'm looking straight into the camera, or see me in person sometime; you'll notice that my right eye turns out, so it looks like one eye is looking somewhere else. If I got another surgery, it would be to hopefully correct it so it's straight again. I'm just scared of surgery because I don't want it to get worse again, and if three surgeries didn't correct it, what makes me think another will? Also, when I come out from anaesthesia, I come out fighting...literally.
Last time I had surgery, I came out from under so fast and violent that I cracked the male nurse right in the face (bruised him too from what I heard, I couldn't see anything), and had to be tied down and restrained until I was coherent lol.
Michael said not to let them "mess with those sky blue diamonds." Teehee :D Totally made my day and that's my name on here :P And he's pretty much the only one I've mentioned it to so far cause it's something I'm not sure if I want to do...it scares me lol
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  lethargic
Current Music: With You- Josh Groban
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11:44 pm
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Fuck people. This is bullshit
As a nice little update in the middle of the night, i'm gonna rant.
Fuck people who just want me to get them off when they're horny. I'm tired of guys who only talk to me when they're horny and want me to get them off, no matter how many times I've told them I'm not interested. I've told some people that I don't have much sex drive anymore except for one person. I do on occasion and it usually is during a dry spell with the other person. I'm not going to lie and say "yeah I get off with anyone and everyone just like the old days" no, i've changed and I'm not a slut. I'm a sexual being, but that's it. I'm not a whore, I'm not a convenience and I'm not the person you turn to whenever you're horny and don't want to do something about it on your own. I'm not your personal sex toy, and I'm tired of you bringing it up everytime we talk that you're not used to me resisting you and since i don't do this that and the other thing with you anymore, you don't know what to do, because you got so used to get those things from me. fuck you. that hurts. and then for you to throw it in my face that i don't really get horny for anymore but the guy i care about, but i can be persuaded to do things with others, that's fucking hypocritical and wrong. I hate it. it's not fair of you to hold those kinds of double standards, because that's what you always did with me before we fought. i was always a last resort for you to get off, you even told me once that you don't find me attractive because of the fact that i'm fat and that's great, but it didn't stop you from using me to get off did it? i was a last resort for you.
how dare you try to make me feel ashamed of myself or what i feel. i told you the truth and i didn't sugar coat it because i thought we were beyond that. i never get offended at what you say and you've said some condescending and rude things. how fucking dare you.
I'm tired of being seen as a toy for everyone's amusement. fuck you people, fuck you all.
Current Mood:  enraged
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09:12 pm
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Rawr!! I r a feroshus...Kimmeh
Last night was certainly interesting. I didn't really do much except sit at my computer at play poppit and pass the time till I could go to bed at midnight, to then get up at five in the a.m. to go to work with my dad and brother because the mechanic who's had my car since monday, still hasn't been able to fix it. It's making me wonder if he's having this much trouble with it, if we should have just taken it to sears and had them do the work for three hundred or so dollars and have my car back the same day. It's now almost Saturday and he hasn't been able to get the ball joints off my car. Apparently they're bolted on intstead of screwed and he's already broken a socket trying to get them off. It's kinda making me mad but at the same time it's kinda making me feel bad for him because it's a pain in the ass and even his boss can't figure out what to do without getting some special equipment.
It's frustrating not having my car really, cause I can't go where I wanna do or do the things I need to do. Let alone do things that I usually do for my parents and siblings. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not be able to come and go from work when you're supposed to. Tomorrow when I have this same gig (I'll explain about the job thing in a minute), Rich and Renee said that they'd come get me so I don't have to stay till whenever-the-fuck- o'clock and that's really awesome of them. I'm gonna give them gas money otherwise I'd feel bad, but it's still really cool of them to come all the way to Alb just to pick me up from work.
As for my job, most of you know by now that I work at the commissary, kind of on an as-needed basis. Whenever there's work, I get scheduled, and then go work for six hours handing out samples or coupons, or both for whatever product the Conagra Foods Company choose to whore out that week. It's pretty easy work, I like talking to people and watching them as well, and I see a lot of different cultures represented and get to see a lot of cute kids. The only sucky parts are when there's a lull and I have nothing to do except keep the food warm and try to entertain myself and stand in pretty much one spot for 5-5 1/2 hours (I take from half an hour to hour lunch depending on who I'm eating with). My feet tend to hate me at the end of the day lol. I like talking to the people that come in the commissary though. There's a bunch of sweet old men who give me candy just cause lol, there's a lot of women who like to chat about whatever and don't mind me asking them questions about their kids or commenting on their clothes/shoes/hair/tattoos. I also love hearing the people who actually take the time to talk to me like a person instead of just walking up, taking food, and leaving, without looking at me or uttering a simple "hi". Most of them tend to tell me recipes or what they do with certain food products and it's so fascinating to listen. Because they light up like kids at Christmas.
Apparently I'm the youngest person to be working as a demo-doer, and a lot of the people at the commissary really like that. I smile and laugh a lot, I like talking to the kids and the older people (they have some of the best stories and senses of humor...sharp as knives some of 'em), and I generally try to have fun with it. I dunno if I'm reading too much into it, but a lot of the guys there seem to be talking to me a lot or looking at me when they think I'm not looking. It might be just getting to know the new girl, but it's cool all the same, it's nice to expand that good ol' circle of friends.
In other news, I'm pretty much sure of a loan, just gotta correct the paperwork and send the missing forms and bam!! I've gots me some money to gets me a new auto. I'll be excited 'cause that means I get to go visit people and do things in Alb and around Los Lunas and wherever without having to worry as much about gas. It'll still be a moderate worry of course, cause who doesn't worry about gas these days when it'd be cheaper to hire a fucking jet to take you from home to work everyday lol.
And Rawr. I r a feroshus tigr. *ahem* sorry. I'm obsessed with this website and that's a caption from one of my favorite pictures on there :D Thank you Michael *kiss kiss kiss slurrrrrrp* :D haha
No real news with that situation lately, things are pretty much the same as they were, only we talk a lot more...when he's not busy being all responsible at work lol. He taught me how to use torrents recently and that was fun and exciting lol. He's also opening a small business for PC help, support, repair, lessons, damn near anything you could do with a PC. He's already helped me a bunch of times. If you want, his website is www.thecoyotenet.bravehost.com. If you do talk to him, mention that I sent ya, might get ya something cool and groovy. Don't quote me on that though lol, I just want a pat on the head later ;).
Anyways, I just noticed that I had some terrible, terrible grammar and rambling issues. Sorry!! I'll try not to do that anymore, it annoys me.
Laters!!
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  chipper
Current Music: Josh Groban-Awake Album
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08:11 am
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Water and Whiskey
No, it's not what I'm drinking, just have a lot of things roaming my mind at the moment and I thought I'd post on here the one that's been bugging me most lately. But then I thought of my issue with words that start with "w" and words that start with "wh" sounding the same unless you're some kind of 'tard who pronounces the "wh" as "hw" like so many lovely people out here do.
Meh, it's the English language and it's a contradictory, nonsense thing anyway lol.
The thing that's been on my mind a lot is this dream I had the other night. It wasn't a dream that happened all night, it was a weird dream where you wake up, check the time, go pee, and then go back to sleep for two hours. In my dream, I had just had a baby, and I loved my baby very much. The baby was the wrong size though, it was about the size of (and I know I'm going to hell for this) Mr. Hanky from South Park, and it was kinda undeveloped, it looked like an embryo or something.
Moving on...I picked up my baby and I hugged it, and I suppose I hugged too hard, cause it split my baby's skull, directly in half and his brain came out. There was hair on it which was strange, and I tried to put the brain back inside and close the skull, asking nurses and things "does this happen often?" They all were saying "oh yeah, it happens all the time, just give it a few days and he'll be great."
So I listened to what they said and did it, and thought everything was fine. But when I hugged my baby, I accidentally killed it...and I didn't know it until a few days later, even though I was always holding my baby.
I woke up crying from this dream. It freaked me out so much and scared me that I've kind of spent the past two days offline and trying to come to grips with myself. I've had dreams where I've died before, and usually I die and my family lives, but I've never had a dream where I've killed before, even accidentally. Michael came up with a really good interpretation, and I think he's right. He said that I'm scared of smothering something or someone in a situation that I'm a little inexperienced with and not sure of what I'm doing yet. It makes sense and it makes me feel a whole lot better than thinking "maybe I'm going to be a terrible mother someday, and kill my children like La Llorona or something."
I dunno. I just needed to write about it, cause I haven't and I think that's been my problem, I've only told a limited amount of people about this dream and almost all of them have given me the look of concern or have asked if I'm okay. I think I am, I plan on being okay, just freaked out a tiny bit by it. I'm not gonna let it run my life though, because it was a dream, and dreams are just the body's way or working out problems and letting of emotional/physical stress in an unrestricted way. It's just another stage of thinking...just all at once lol.
In other news, gonna go down to the VC shortly, because one of my teachers (Pilates) didn't input a grade for me, and I dropped that class so I should have a WP. Well the teacher never gave us any kind of contact information for her, so I can't call her or email her and ask her to please fix my grade because it's fucking up my academic career. So I get to go to registrar's and see what they can do to help me. This past semester was rough. It was just hard, first I bit off more than I could chew taking too many classes, then Flower died (and I still miss her, she was my furball), and then I had to drop two classes, one because it was too much time and not enough gained from it (Pilates), and the other because I got a D+ on my midterm and I put it so much more effort than other people who got higher grades. So I said "fuck it", not wasting anymore of my time on it. I'm just gonna re-take it at the VC with Rich and Renee. That'll be fun times, and I'm pretty sure we're doing a movie for our group project. I helped them do theirs in their 101 class and that helped Rich get a job and they got an insanely great grade, so I know we'll kick a lot of ass.
It was strange cutting myself off from everyone online the last couple days. I was out running errands most of the time, but it was strange to note that no one really worried, and no one really needed me. I missed some people though. Maybe I'm just too attached haha.
Don't know where to end, so I'll just end now, and go take a shower.
Oh! P.S. I dyed my entire head the other night, not just highlights. I'm a golden honey blonde all over now :) I got tired of my highlights making my regular hair look brown because of how bright they were...so yeah :) I'll have pictures later today for anyone interested in seeing it :) It's kinda subtle, but you definitely notice if you're used to seeing me or have seen recent pics.
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The whir of the ceiling fan
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10:03 am
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What the fuck?
So I bust my ass as much as my time allows. Hours to say the least, on this oral presentation that I had to do for German, and I thought it was good, my topic is almost impossible to research without coming up on porn sites (I was doing sex in Europe). I had decent pictures that weren't too offensive. I do my presentation, I speak for a full eight minutes (the max time we were allotted) and I only have to translate about four words into English because I don't have the skills to explain something as complex as human trafficking or whatever. So I think I do a pretty decent job, and so do my friends. I got my grade back yesterday, and it's a fucking 68 D+.
A D+. Apparently I read from my paper too much and I spoke too much English. I was so pissed I started crying, then after class I was so hurt that I continued to cry and decided to take the rest of the day off. I went home because that completely ruined my day. I don't do D+ work, I never have. So I beat on myself a little bit (mentally, "why didn't I work harder?" etc.), and then I just sit at home and cry some more, because this was ten percent of our final grade, so I'm essentially fucked for my grade as far as I can tell.
Then everyone told me to talk to him, explain what's been going on in my life lately and explain to him that I did the best I could with the time I had available to me and he basically told me that best wasn't good enough. I didn't have the time to memorize things and I couldn't explain some concepts in German as it would have taken me a bit more time than I had to do it. I was already up till one thirty in the morning getting that damn thing ready.
So I emailed him last night and told him that I don't think I deserved the grade I got, I thought it was unfair and I thought I deserved at least a B or a C and what this score does to my overall grade to the class and how I'll need to do on the oral interview in order to get a B in that class, at least. Hopefully. So we'll see if he ever emails me back or anything.
Onto other school related issues, I have a paper for Women of the Bible due tomorrow, I've got one page and one poem done of a five to seven page paper, so I think I'll be able to do it. The oral interviews are tomorrow too, so I've gotta study and tomorrow morning, a bunch of us are going to practice together just speaking and pretending we're interviewers and such, and then there's the five minute interview. Thank God it's only that long. I think I'll do okay, I'm alright in informal situations where we just speak about whatever, but all the same I want to practice and study just so I know that I'm prepared. It's gonna be hard squeezing those two things in tonight, but I'll do my best.
Also I have to tell Zach I like him Friday. I figure Friday cause we won't see each other for the rest of the day, we'll both have the weekend (me to be mortified and embarrassed that I told him and whatever his reaction might be...could be flattered, could be disgusted, could be uncomfortable, and him to decide how he wants to react to that and how he feels about it and all that good fun stuff). Joy. I'm terrified. I've never told someone to their face that I like them before. Evan just said to walk right up to him and say "hey, I know this is gonna be totally random, but I wanted you to know that I like you," and just continue the conversation or leave. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it. I know I'm gonna bug him while he's at work that way he probably can't follow me to tell me that I'm a moron and to never talk to him again...or something.
Yeah. We'll see what happens.
Current Location: Honors Computer Pod
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Skillet
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11:53 am
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Look me in the eyes so I know you know
Here are the completed adaptations for my Middle-earth creative project.
HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The Warg jumped over the moon, The little elf snorted, to see such a sport, And the Hobbit ran away with the spoon. HUSH-A-BYE BABY Hush-a-bye Frodo, In Morgul Vale. When the wind blows, Off Gollum will play. When the Ring calls, Nazgúl will look. They will not see them, Crouched in their nook. BILBO BAGGINS AND HIS MARE Bilbo Baggins had a little great mare, Hee haw, hum; Her legs were long and her back was bare, Hee haw, hum!
Bilbo Baggins was riding up Bagshot Row, Hee haw, hum; She began to bray and to blow, Hee haw, hum!
Bilbo Baggins was riding to Bag End, Hee haw, hum; His mare fell down, her hide did rend, Hee haw, hum! The bridle and saddle were laid on the shelf,
Hee haw, hum;
If you want any more, you may sing it yourself,
Hee haw, hum! ONE MISTY, MOISTY MORNING One misty, moisty, morning, When cloudy was the day, There I met an old man, All clothed in gray. All clothed in gray, With a pointed hat on his head, Where are you Bilbo? What are you? What are you doing in bed? LITTLE SMEAGOL, LITTLE KNAVE Little Smeagol, little knave, Lived in a goblin's cave He caught fishes, In other's ditches. Little Gollum, little knave, Wanders in the Hobbits' wake, Little Gollum, little knave, Caught fishes in the Forbidden Lake SAMWISE THE BRAVE (an original composition by Kimberly Bowers [heehee]) Once there was a hobbit named Samwise the brave, He followed his master through field and cave. He was always watchful, strong, and stout, Always stoic, with barely a whine or pout. A gardener by trade, Quick to tirade. He was fond of his food, Never without pot or spoon. Eager to see an elf, Taken to the Dwarrowdelf. Then through the golden wood, To be cloaked in elven hood. Where is the brave Samwise now? Underground, hunched over prow? Perhaps with some hobbit-lass he is smitten, We know not, his ending is unwritten. FAIREST OF THE FAIR Bright as the moon, Dark as the night. Fierce as the sea, Gentle as a breeze. Stout as a mountain, Mutable as silver. The Elves of old, Forever young. Fairest of the fair. LÚTHIEN, LÚTHIEN, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR Once upon a time, a young man was walking through a forest. This man was named Beren, he was of the race of man, and was a wanderer, a friend to bird and beast. As he was walking, he heard a beautiful song, so sweet it sounded like the nightingale. He wanted to know the source of the singing, so he followed it until he saw an elf maiden. She was dancing and singing in a glade alone. Her name was Lúthien. He fell in love with her in that moment and asked her for her hand in marriage, she insisted that he speak with her father. So together they went before Lúthien's father, and Beren repeated his desire to marry Lúthien. Her father refused unless Beren completed a task first, to retrieve something for him. Beren agreed and left, for the sooner he departed, the sooner he could return. Lúthien's father, fearing that Beren would come and take her during the night, or that she would run away to join Beren, he imprisoned her in a beech tree as tall as a tower. The only way up or down was a very tall ladder. There was no way she could leave, or anyone could come up unless they had the ladder, which Lúthien's father kept locked up. So for many long days Lúthien remained in the beech tree, with no word of Beren. One night, Lúthien suddenly heard her name being called. "Lúthien, it is I, Beren, please let me up!" the voice called. Lúthien told him that he could only come up by the ladder that was kept under lock and key. He then sat at the bottom of the tree and cried, he was so close to his beloved and yet so far; he couldn't reach her. Suddenly Lúthien had a brilliant idea! She could use her magic to make her hair grow! So she did, it grew and grew, first to a yard, then a meter, then two yards, then ten feet, until it grew to be more than 20 ells long. When it grew to that length, Lúthien threw it down to Beren and told him to use it to climb up to her. Afraid of hurting her, he was reluctant to climb at first, but she pleaded with him and eventually, he climbed. As he reached the top, his heart swelled with joy and finding his beloved much the same as he left her, except for her hair, which had grown to a very unmanageable length. They wanted to escape from their confines atop the beech tree but were unsure how. Then Beren had a brilliant idea! They could cut off Lúthien's hair and use it as a rope much like he did. So using a small knife that he kept sheathed on his belt, Beren cut off the massive tangle that had become Lúthien's hair and fashioned it into a rope. With this rope, they escaped from the beech tree, and to their new lives to live happily ever after. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yeah...that's all I have to say. There's too much that I feel, and not enough words for me to say them.
Michael and I have been talking more and more everyday that he's at work...on his "weekends" he can't talk cause he's with Rafie most of the time, but that's okay. I'm still jealous of her and wish I had more of him to myself...if not the whole thing, but I'll take what I can get. We fought earlier this week. He thought I was stringing him along and really with Evan. It was kinda cute and sweet but scary how pissed he got. but I mean...Evan's my baby, my son practically, six years younger than me for sure...I'm no cradle robber.
Yeah, those balls I'm juggling are starting to get mighty heavy and are circling mighty fast.
Current Location: DHS stand alone pod
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Rain by Breaking Benjamin
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09:37 pm
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Holy fucking hell.
To make a long story, very very short, let's just put it this way. Life with Evan certainly isn't boring, it's been an emotional roller coaster going on for the past week.
I love that boy, I'm glad he's staying. When he left this morning, it just tore me into pieces, I imagine it's really what it's like for a mother to lose her child. But he's more than that to me, he's my friend, my family, my baby. He's just...my Evan. What more can I say? When I thought he was gone, I thought I was losing a piece of myself. Now he's back and he's staying and I feel like a thousand pound weight was taken off...my life is still stressed, and I think I'm falling apart emotionally...I feel a little stronger physically though.
I don't know what to do with it. I'm juggling a lot of balls and it's taking all the skill I have to keep them all in the air...I'm afraid that the one I'm scared of dropping most, is the one with me, myself. Where am I gonna find the time to be myself to have some decompression time?
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  and thankful
Current Music: Comatose by Skillet
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07:44 pm
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Creative project thus far
Well..I'm doing a creative project for my Tolkien class, and I'm taking some of our fairy tales and nursery rhymes and adapting them to the world of Middle-earth, as well as writing some of my own and maybe taking one straight from the text and plunking it down.
So I thought I'd share what I have so far and see what y'all think, I'll include a link to the original rhymes and their titles so you can compare.
HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The Warg jumped over the moon, The little elf snorted, to see such a sport, And the Hobbit ran away with the spoon.
HUSH-A-BYE BABY Hush-a-bye Frodo, In Morgul Vale. When the wind blows, Off Gollum will play. When the Ring calls, Nazgúl will look. They will not see them, Crouched in their nook.
BILBO BAGGINS AND HIS MARE Bilbo Baggins had a little great mare, Hee haw, hum; Her legs were long and her back was bare, Hee haw, hum! Bilbo Baggins was riding up Bagshot Row, Hee haw, hum; She began to bray and to blow, Hee haw, hum! Bilbo Baggins was riding to Bag End, Hee haw, hum; His mare fell down, her hide did rend, Hee haw, hum! The bridle and saddle were laid on the shelf,
Hee haw, hum;
If you want any more, you may sing it yourself,
Hee haw, hum! ONE MISTY, MOISTY MORNING One misty, moisty, morning, When cloudy was the day, There I met an old man, All clothed in gray. All clothed in gray, With a pointed hat on his head, Where are you Bilbo? What are you? What are you doing in bed?
LITTLE SMĖAGOL, LITTLE KNAVE Little Smėagol, little knave, Lived in a goblin’s cave He caught fishes, In other’s ditches. Little Gollum, little knave, Wanders in the Hobbits’ wake, Little Gollum, little knave, Caught fishes in the Forbidden Lake http://www.rhymes.org.uk/lost-lyrics-old-nursery-rhymes.htm
and in order they go: Hey Diddle-diddle, Hush a bye baby, John Cook he had a gray mare, one misty moisty morning, and little tommy tittlemouse. That's only five, i'm doing a poem or two of my own, we're doing the story of beren and luthien as Rapunzel, and I think I might pull one or two poems straight from the text.
Let me know what you guys think or if you know of any nursery rhymes you'd LOVE to see me turn into middle earth ones okay? I'm totally open!!
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Skillet- The Last Night
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10:06 am
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Woman at the Window
I am a woman at the window,
an observer of life, never a participant.
I have a vicarious life through a virtual window,
while I only look out of the real one.
I do not join the life I see below me,
I do not know how.
I am scared to leave my virtual life,
I don't want anyone to miss me.
What if they need me and I'm not there,
what do I do if I need them?
Maybe I feel safer there,
no one can make fun of me or hurt me.
I enjoy the friends I have there,
they love me just the way I am.
They are a bedrock, my strength,
I hope I'm something similar to them.
I'm a woman at the window,
it's time for a change.
I'm a woman at the window,
I'll find my balance.
I'm a woman at the window,
it's time to leave.
I dunno what I was thinking about when I wrote this. I guess that sometimes I hate feeling like the majority of my friends are online and I'm depending on them far too much for my own good. I love them though. Who knows? I know I can find my balance, and I know most of my friends will be psyched that I'm getting my ass off the computer, or at least trying.
Yesterday was a really long day, literally non-stop, on the go from seven in the morning until ten thirty at night when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I crawled into bed. I need to start exercising more I think, I've been getting really depressed lately, mostly cause of that special time of the month, but partially from issues with guys and some friends (and former friends).
My ex called me up this week, wanting to see if we could "start over." I told him the last time we talked that what I said, I meant, I didn't want to talk to him anymore because all he ever did was bring me down and tell me how wrong I was to want to explore my sexuality, and that no one could ever love me except him because he was able to see through beyond my shell to the real me, and basically saying he was my friend but not ever being so. All he'd ever do was talk about his new girlfriend, never talk to me about things except her, never ask about me or worry about me except when I wasn't being "morally upright" or some such bullshit.
So I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and I hung up. Slightly empowering.
I've been talking to Evan a lot lately, it kinda feels like he's slipping away from me in a way. He's a lot more quiet...doesn't really say a whole lot to me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because he's scared I'll disapprove of what he does and how he lives his life. And I will, because I want better for him, but it is his life, and I can't force him to change it, I can only encourage him to make changes to make his life better and what he really deserves. That boy means so much to me it's scary.
MIke's been a big support for me, it's hard making a life change, so I'm glad we're doing it slowly, we just had to change my exercise portion again, I'm too heavy to do the jogging anymore, it's really hurting my shins and knees, and part of it is cause I was going on concrete instead of a track or a field but I took what I can get, part of it are my shoes, which Shaun is helping me to get new ones that'll be better for me, and part of it is of course, my weight.
I feel a lot better though, in general, walking across the parking lot used to get my breathing heavy. Not anymore, I can walk for a longer distance at a faster pace and feel perfectly normal. Still breathing through my nose, calm, everything.
It's a bitch that everything they say about exercise is true, but man, maintenance is a pain in testiculars.
Current Location: Honors computer Pod
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The clicking and clacking of numerous keyboards
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12:50 am
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If you continually give, you will continually have.
That's what my fortune cookie said tonight. I wonder.
I think about all the things that I think I give. My love, my time, my friendship, my honesty, my compassion, my humor, my life.
I think I get most, if not all of that back, so I suppose I do have. Maybe I'm just greedy...cash would be nice, if you're listening Gods of the Fortune Cookie. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery more comfy, and it would certainly take away the worry of getting a car and shit.
Yes, the quest for a newer, more gas efficient car is still ongoing. I wish upon the Gods of the Fortune Cookies, that tomorrow I see a car that is just for me, reasonably priced, runs like a gem, and no one else is gonna buy it first lol
I wonder what's in store for me over the next few weeks, if Francis really went to Europe, he should be back in a few days, and we'll see if he remembers who the hell I am. I've got a feeling he either won't be coming back, or at least coming back to the apartment, and if he does, it'll be to tell me he's with Amber cause they've done nothing but fuck the entire time he was there. If it's true, then I didn't mean as much to him as he said I did. Stupid me.
When did I get so bitter? That just occured to me. I feel very bitter all of a sudden. Is it a permanent thing? Or is it just a defense mechanism to the situation? I guess we'll see, when and if there's another guy on the scene who wants more than just a fling or me in addition to his wife/girlfriend, which ironically happens often with me. I wonder if it's some kind of vibe I give off or if it's cause of something I've done. As far as I can recall, the only person I've seriously considered it with is Michael, and even then I'm pretty sure I'm just going to tell him we need to be friends. Because I don't want to come between him and his girlfriend, I know he loves her, like he'll probably never love me, but I'm not psychic so I don't know what's going to happen in the future. For now, I want to be able to meet him in person and just enjoy being around him, laughing and talking and just being around each other without the fear of his girlfriend coming along. I want him to be able to tell her about me and tell her I'm just a friend, and have it be the truth.
I dunno where I was going with that. Screw it
I've gotta get off my ass and actually start doing my projects and presentations and papers and what not. If I don't start now, I'm gonna be fucked later when they're all piled up and I've got two days to do it.
Had a major scare with Evan earlier...I don't want to go into detail, just suffice it to say I'm still close to throwing up because of it.
I saw 300 today, it was really good. Full of hot, mostly naked guys. Gerard Butler :D hehe gotta love it. I highly recommend everyone see it, especially if you like Frank Miller or Sin City.
Gotta organize a study group again for German...Charles is the man I swear to Christ, talk about saving our asses, he's giving an entire exam over one chapter. I'll have his children one day :P Name 'em Rolf, Malachi, and Lorelei :P
Excercise is going okay, still going everyday, I'm trying to find ways to keep it fresh and interesting for myself so I don't get bored and talk myself out of going. We'll see. Shaun still needs to get my shoes, and I didn't know this, but apparently i have a high instep. I found that interesting. Yeah Shaun is getting my shoes because he's in the navy and he can get really good shoes from New Balance at cost because of the contract the navy has with them. So instead of me having to pay 80-90 bucks, I'll only have to pay Shaun 50-60. Which isn't that bad.
I dunno what I'm doing, I just can't sleep so I thought I'd blog about all my thoughts, maybe getting them out of my head will clear my mind. I was gonna talk about something, but I can't remember it now lol.
Night y'all
Current Mood:  awake
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10:29 am
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Damn
Wow...so that was a bit of a shocker.
A lot of my family is ending up in the hospital this month. I wonder who's next?
First it was the old man, and as of yesterday he's back on the ventilator, I honestly don't think that he'll be coming out of the hospital. Every time he gets better, he slips back further, this time they did a tracheotomy...I think that's how you spell it anyway.
Then it was my cousin a couple days ago. She and her friend were out and about, being teenagers, doing their thing, and they got clipped by a truck coming the wrong way too fast with a drunk on the wheel. Then the car behind them skidded trying to stop, hit them and made the car roll. So my cousin is in the hospital with lacerations, a cracked pelvis, broken femur and a broken nose, as far as I know. Poor thing :( I know she's gonna be in a body cast from the waist down for a while, I just hope she doesn't miss her own graduation. I hope she'll be better soon and I hope to go and see her or talk to her soon. She's only 17.
Onto other news, my classes feel like they're going a lot better now. I've got an 81.5 in my german class so far, so I really need to bust ass for the rest of the semester to get that up. I'm kicking ass in my Women of the Bible class cause so far we've only got one grade...the midterm lol. Psychology is going okay, I've got an A going into the third exam, and the teacher is going to be out for a full week's worth of classes starting next wednesday. So Monday, we get our review for the exam, she's gone Wednesday, Friday and the following Monday, then Wednesday,we come back for nice exam! Sounds like fun huh? My honors class is a blast, it's just a lot of reading and some of it is boring. Like Sir Gawain and the Green Knight...kinda boring for me. But for the rest of the semester, all we're reading is Tolkien and that's exciting lol.
As far as I know, Sean's doing okay, he had his first treatment Monday and it totally wore him out and made him sick. He'll come through alright I think, it's just that it's still new for the most part. Evan's worrying me, he's gotten back on drugs and on a worse one that before. He went from crystal meth to heroin. Not good...and he's also a lot more quiet than he used to be, he never used to keep secrets from me or not want to tell me something. I think part of it is just that he's 14 and I remember being moody and more quiet when I was his age. It'll be okay, in any case he's got a for really real Psychologist there now to work with him and help him get through some things, not the shrink in training like me lol. Yeah...Mike's alright, torn between Simon and Sean, and I can see why. It's a tough spot he's in, but it will all work out.
I'm just bored and sitting in the honors building computer pod to pass the time lol. I'm a dork I know. I just felt like talking (or typing) so I could feel productive. I mean I could look at nudie pics, but where's the fun in that outside the privacy of my own computer? Where I can do stuff in peace? ;) lol
I'll go now lol
Current Mood: good
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10:02 pm
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There goes that bullshit
Two posts in two days...insane huh?
Well I got the results of my midterms back yesterday...got a 97% on the Women of the Bible exam, which is the highest I've ever gotten on an exam with her, which makes me really happy. I did a lot better than I could have hoped, but I was really passionate on the topic. Choose two of four women (Lilith, Zipporah, Miriam, and Abigail, I chose Miriam and Abigail) and discuss three topics (inferiority, temptress, and loyalty) in relation to them. So I kicked a lot of ass lol, which is why my second midterm pissed me off to no fucking end. In my Western Civilization class, the exam, number one, was grad level. It's a 100 level class, not grad level. Second, out of 160 students, about 30 bothered to write the essay portion at all. I was one of those thirty, so you'd figure I'd get at least a B for sure right? Perhaps a C+. No, instead of that, I got a D+...D fucking PLUS. Any of you who know me, know I don't do D+ work. So I got home from school and decided "I can't let this fuck up my GPA, I need to drop this class" so I get on the GLORIOUS thing that is loboweb, and attempt to drop me class. I say attempt because I went to drop it and found out I have some fucked up hold on my account. I check the hold and it says "QC-Exceeds eligible hours", so I'm like...WTF?? What the FUCK does that mean?
So I go to class today, and after I got to the advisement center to get this crap taken care of, find out that it turns out I've exceeded the hours I need in order to transfer into the college of arts and sciences, and it's good I caught this now. So I got the hold taken off, got the information I needed in order to transfer into the college, and I dropped that fucked up class. I'm gonna take it again next semester at the VC with Renee.
Yeah. So now I'll have two hours of free time from 12-2 MWF if anyone wants to hang or come by and point and laugh at the shittyness of my grade haha. Yeah, just wanted to update everyone.
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10:00 pm
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Name that flick (18032007)
-Is that a fuckin' Bible?
-Hey hey, that's the HOLY fuckin' Bible.
-What kinda fucking songbird, Jesus-freak dealer did you bring me to?
I love this line in that movie, if you name it, you get a dollar. Swear. I should be doing more of my German homework right now, but I felt this need to come on here and write.
I'm not quite sure what I want to write about. It's been a good week, I spent a lot of it doing what I wanted to do for once, got my hair cut, and put pink in it to see if I liked it. Last night I redid the pink so it's a helluva lot brighter hehe. So that's exciting.
Went to the zoo with Rich and Renee and Sara and her boyfriend and Barney...that was enlightening, Barney was acting like a little kid, didn't talk to anyone but Sara, and Sara's in love with my hair hehe, she thinks it makes me look more mature, like I'm 22 or something. So that's awesome too lol. I'm glad I finally let Renee talk me into it.
School starts again tomorrow, which is good, I've been getting slightly bored with myself, and it's really hard to stay on some sort of schedule when you're got nothing to do lol. I'm on a diet and excercise program through two different people, and it's really important for me to eat at regular times, but when you have nothing to do, you sleep in lol.
Yeah that's right, you heard me, I'm doing diet and excercise, and I'm gonna lose weight slowly so that one, I don't end up with a ton of extra skin which would require surgery that I can't afford, two, so I don't get sick, and three, so I don't yo yo back cause I did it too quickly and didn't make a lifestyle change.
I'm kinda in a tiff with Aaron right now, he really kinda pissed me off the other day and so we haven't spoken really.
I had a fucked up dream the other night. I imagined that all of a sudden, Francis was here. I took him with me through my normal day, introduced him to everyone in my classes, was super proud to have him here with me at last. Then later on that night, he was laying with me on my bed, we were cuddled together, it was so realistic, I could tell you what he smelled like, felt like, what his voice sounded like in my ear, how perfectly we fit together laying in each other's arms, it was just perfection...and then he disappeared, I woke up crying because of it. I don't know what it's telling me, probably that I felt like everything was perfect and then I felt abandoned when he suddenly disappeared and no one knows where to find him. It hurts.
I don't really know why I was blogging...I guess I just wanted to say something but have no one to say anything to.
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09:59 pm
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*Falls into a dazed swoon* (09022007)
All I can say is thank Christ this week is finally over. Between midterms, and papers, and studying, and stressing out over stupid shit, I've been a wreck this past week. Completely at the end of my rope, so tired, cranky, snappy and just a plain ol' bitch with everyone. So if I've snapped at you or anything this week, I'm sorry.
All my stuff went well I think. My history midterm has to have something going for me, the GAs (graduate assistants) have said it's only taken them like, twenty minutes a piece to grade the papers, which means that people didn't write very much. Me? I wrote a whole page of definitions and four pages of essay in under an hour so I hope I did well. My German paper was kinda funny. The theme was "When you think of Germany, what do you think about? Why? What is your picture of Germany?" I had to write about Kennedy calling himself a donut (auf Deutsch genau) on the Berlin Wall lol. Perfectly innocent comedic moment. I think my Frauen der Bibel (Women of the Bible) midterm went well, I wrote five pages of essay on two of the four women she gave us a choice about. So that's pretty badass lol.
On to other news, tomorrow I'm going out for another haircut (I know, shocking. Me cutting my hair again???) with Rich and Renee at my sides of course lol. After that, I'm gonna have Renee put in some more blonde highlights, a little bit lighter than the last batch I had and then...wait for it....it's gonna be good...she's gonna put in pink ones too!! I just thought I'd experiment with it and see if I like it. I think I will, I think it'll look cute on me :) hehe I will, of course, be posting before and after pictures. Tell me what you think!!
How've you guys been doing? Please fill me in on the rest of life outside UNM!!!
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09:58 pm
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So (26022007)
Finally able to say "I'm cured!!" I went to the doctor again today, and he told me that even though I'm out of antibiotics (I was on a five day course of Azithromycin, called the Z-pack) it's going to be in my system for at least five more days so I won't have to worry about being sick again.
Just gotta stay away from my family 'cause I accidentally passed it to them That was a big whoops, and so the doctor today ('cause four of us had appointments) saw us in twos lol. He also is the only doctor who's ever mentioned anything to my mom about her claustrophobia and how to go about treating it. It was really nice. He says I have high blood pressure, but I know it's because I'm sick and fat, usually my blood pressure is around 127/70 or so, today it was 150/120 (cause I started coughing while the machine was doing it) and then on the retest it was 141/89. So bah on him.
I've also decided that I can't afford to be flippant about it anymore. I'm losing weight for sure. I've had several offers, and I've begged several people to help me do it. It's a major lifestyle change, and it's gotta be permanent. I need to lose weight through diet and exercise and keep it off for the rest of my life.
I just hope I don't have too much excess skin...I can't afford the plastic surgery to get it removed. I wonder if i'll even look the same when I'm thinner...will I still look like Kim? I hope so. I know I'm not gonna change on the inside, I'm way too cynical and bitter for that lol.
As for school? It's going I suppose. I need to talk to Charles tomorrow during his office hours, I feel like I'm not quite up to par and I need to ask him if he can suggest anything for me to get that way. He said that the best way to do it is to "think German" in terms of sentence structure and of course language, but it's hard to do when you constantly have to do English all day for your other classes and for your family because no one else speaks German. Gah
But thank god I'm not sick anymore, it means I'll be able to sit through a full day of school again, I haven't been able to do that for four days. It'll be exciting, I hate missing classes and it really sucks to have to borrow notes.
Lalie? Can I borrow notes from the goddamn history class and from Frauen in der Bibel if there was any? How'd David's presentation go? lol.
Oh!! I got my copy of "Your College Survival Guide" today by Pat Rothfuss, and I love it. It's a really good book. It's a collection of his articles from the college newspaper at UWSC. There's advice columns, Q and As, and just all sorts of stuff about college life. It's lovely bathroom reading material...which is actually what he encourages lol. He has an online version of it too...pretty good read, and he updates myspace with blogs of his. If you wanna read it, you can find him as one of my friends, or check out who I'm subscribed to.
Yeah lol...that's all, just a general update of random goings on in my life.
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09:56 pm
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Wake me up when February ends...please? (21022007)
So this month has pretty much sucked...sideways.
See previous blog for main portion.
But I just got back from the doctor's a little while ago cause I can't seem to shake this cough that's making my chest burn and it was bringing up some nasty colored mucous...so lo and behold!! I'm sick
Fun part? Doc didn't know if it was bronchitis or pneumonia, so he just put me on an antibiotic, a nasal spray and a cough syrup. My mom will be dropping off the prescriptions on the way to pick my dad up, and getting them when she's on the way back. So I'll be getting my medication tonight, I can't afford to take the time off school to heal, so I'll be doing my recovery while in class, and because I'm considerate of my fellow classmates, I'll be wearing a mask. A nice bright yellow one, so feel free to make fun haha.
Yeah...this month has sucked. I have a Map quiz Friday, eine Deutsche Prüfung am Freitag, and then Monday I have a Psychology exam...the review sheets I've missed today.
And since being in that Pilates class that I was so excited about, I've gained ten pounds...so now I'm changing tactics...cause that, is bullshit.
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09:55 pm
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Sad Day...Really Sad day (13022007)
So not only did I wake up this morning with a massive headache that turned into a migraine....but my little brother KC gets home, only to discover Flower's dead. Flower is one of our dogs, the one we grew up with.
I guess it was good because she's not suffering anymore and we know she had been for some time...we thought she was having strokes and stuff. It's just hard cause Chris, KC, and me had all grown up with her. She was our Flower. She was one of the family and now she's gone.
Tazz kept coming up to her and sniffing her, and nudging her, trying to wake her up. He knows something's up.
Thomas' mom is gonna come and take her, bury her, and say a prayer over her. It's really nice of her to do that, cause my dad was gonna do it, but I think it'd just be too sad for us.
This just isn't the greatest of days...and it doesn't look like the rest of the week is shaping up much better. It's just a horrible week, V-day tomorrow, a presentation Thursday. And school everyday. Virtually no mourning time, the only time I could take off was tonight, I skipped my pilates class, which means I'll end up with, at most, a B.
I'm gonna go hug my mom now.
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09:54 pm
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Interesting week (05022007)
Well...besides the fact that I've been in Albuquerque everyday this week, which is a rare and very strange occurence, it's been a very stressful week. I've been doing homework and working on stuff and just ugh, busy.
At Bennigan's, I met some really cool people for the first time through Lalie. Vicki and her boyfriend Ben were really awesome and funny. Kira is the freaking best! Such a sweeheart she is.
And then there was David, whom I knew already from a couple classes was there, really sweet guy, fun to talk to, and really smart and funny. I came back from the bathroom and saw he was sitting against the wall in a corner so I grabbed my stuff and moved next to him so he wouldn't be all alone and lonely, so I was sitting between him and Lalie and talked to him mostly all night, and to Ben and Vicki who were across from us. He had a beer and when I had mentioned that I had never had beer before, he got up and bought a like five dollar beer so I could have a sip. When he was gone, Kira and Lalie were both kinda like "he likes you." Lalie said that the first thing he said after she invited him was "Is Kim gonna be there?" So hmmm...pondering pondering hehe. Who knows? Today he came while I was sitting at DSH doing my German homework and listening to my iPod, so I was looking down and not hearing anything so he could have totally just walked by, but he didn't! He sat down and talked to me for a few minutes while he waited to go to class.
I dunno how I feel about it. We'll see. I'm of two minds, I think it's really cool though that it's possible, but I'm not gonna expect anything. Maybe something'll change. Chances are he's just a really nice guy.
Yeah anyway, rambling about something that doesn't matter, and for those of you who are closer to me, you know why. So yeah. I'll stop rambling now.
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09:53 pm
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When the Lights Go Down in the City (17012007)
Kim is out and about taking her brother and his slut home. Yeah, just got home from doing that as it was my turn. Bah on that, at least it's not my turn again till next Friday.
So today was the second day of the semester but the first day of my second set of classes, if that makes sense. And I'm gonna have one hell of a busy semester, my honors class is gonna be bananas, there's a shitload of readings for that class...so it's gonna be hard keeping up with it. Tons of stuff to do outside of the class too. Cool part is that my buddy Zach that I had and have again for German, is my student teacher for my honors class. Very neat.
My pilates class is gonna be interesting, I'm actually only a little sore today, almost a full twenty four hours after the class, which is a good thing because it means i'm using muscles that I don't usually, I hope this class does for me what it's supposed to. It'll be nice having something that I can actually do at home and be cool with.
German is German, Charles (the instructor) is of course himself and the first thing he did is make us sing about Gabi und Klaus, und Klaus ist ein Schwein (Klaus is a pig) lol. Ummm yeah, then some skit thing, we wrote about how we had lost a glove, and would trade eine Wörterbuch (dictionary...book of words) for a glove cause we can't dance without it or some bullshit, and then when the person doesn't want to trade us, we steal it and run away lol. It was silly but funny. The we divided into teams and did stuff we haven't done in a while...write the past tense form (in the perfekt tense, with past participle, kinda hard to explain...instead of saying I did, you say I have done, that's actually exactly how it goes) of the present tense verb and yeah lol.
Developmental Psychology was surprising in the fact that I got the wrong book and now have to get a refund for it, then go back when the correct book is in stock. The teacher (a grad student who's practically our age) was assigned last minute and the book wasn't in stock so the person who helped me get my books, got me the wrong book. So yeah. It should be a good class though, not as much work as I was scared it was gonna be, so that's a relief.
Western Civilization is gonna be a killer...just a LOT OF WORK!! Most of it, seems to me to be busy work...just stuff so we have grades. But who am I to criticize?
Women of the Bible is gonna be a blast, kind of the same as she did with Bible as Literature last semester, but with a few extra assignments. Still gonna be good...we have to do group oral reports that should last half an hour, hopefully Lalie and I get assigned to a group together, I need to email my teacher about that. I forgot to tonight, got side-tracked by other stuff. But we're gonna be assigned a woman from the Bible and we have to present on her, gonna be fun :D
Yeah that's the main stuff with school, and a friend of mine whom I've not heard from in months, I was so worried about him, cause I didn't know what was going on or anything, contacted me today. I'm so happy, I've missed that boy like crazy. I'm glad I got to talk to him, I forgot how easily he makes me laugh by just having a viewpoint that is so totally different from my own, not quite the opposite, but he just sees the world totally differently, and that's fun.
Speaking of guys...had some bad experience. To make a long story short, let's just suffice it to say that he played me, and said the exact shit to make me feel special...and then pushed for sex. Wtf? What is it about me that attracts these guys? The ones that want nothing but sex with the fat chick (cause I've had guy friends tell me that every dude wants to bang a fat chick at least once), or they see me as their sis or just a good friend. It's kinda irritating. I know it'll change eventually, I just want it NOW cause I'm impatient like that lol.
Yeah almost bed time, gotta get up at eight for honors tomorrow morning :) Sorry if this was kind of a waste of time, I'm just killing time so I can take my birth control at midnight, can't sleep till then lol. Yeah I'm back on bc btw.
Good night y'all, sweet dreams :)
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09:52 pm
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Stupid car lol (07012007)
I hate my life sometimes. lol
First my windshield wiper breaks in the middle of a freaking rain/snow storm so I've got a twisty-tie holding it to the arm so it doesn't go flying off.
Then last night, I take Rich and Renee home and come back to my house only to find that I've been locked out so I'm outside in the cold for about fifteen to twenty minutes knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell to get someone awake (it's three thirty in the morning) so that they can let me in finally...it only took forever and then I got blamed for it. Like I lock myself out or something. And because of that I didn't get to bed till five cause I was too worked up to sleep so I'm still only running on about four and a half hours sleep, I feel slow...like a sloth or something. Maybe I'll sleep really really well tonight.
Then tonight, I go to Rich and Renee's to pick them up and take them to Autozone for some stuff for their car to get it running again, and I get there and everything's fine. We get in my car to leave however, and the car won't start...the ignition switch has no resistance of any kind...it actually feels like it's not attached to anything, like something broke right off. So hopefully, while my mom and I are at our "women's" appointments tomorrow, my dad can figure out what's wrong with my car and if not fix it, at least have an idea of what's wrong so that I can pay to have it fixed when my financial aid comes in...which it hopefully will soon. I need books and stuff for the coming semester too. Ugh. On a very positive note though...the tow truck driver asked me out lol...he gave me his number so that "if I'm interested, I can call him" and I'm totally thinking about it, never had that happen before, I was only with him for about twenty minutes and he totally asked me out. It was cool  I'm thinking about calling him too 
Yeah...and stuff. This was just a little chance for me to talk about what's been going on lately, and to vent ;)
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09:50 pm
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Hmmm (29122006)
It's been interesting lately. I got a few new games for Christmas, one of which there is no decent strategy guide for online. All of them are either incomplete or for the Japanese version of the game...but!! I have a good buddy named Brett who works at Gamestop who can get me a hardcopy strategy guide, and at a discount. Gotta love having connections lol.
Aaron's gonna help me completely wipe my computer, erase everything and then send me a custom startup disk with upgraded stuff and some extra stuff. My computer was getting a little slowed down by all the random crap on it so this should stop that, I'm getting CDs and DVDs so that I can save my music and pictures and files and stuff so that I don't lose those, but the programs and stuff? history lol. Thanks for doing that for me Aaron . He has to deal with me not knowing as much as I would like to about computer stuff...he gets to hold my hand as I do stuff lol.
Renee and Rich are just plain out funny. I love hanging out with them, whether it's playing video games all night (as is our custom), helping bake and cook, or just talking about whatever, which is what we did most recently. It was quite fun having them over to watch the last half of family Monopoly, in which my mother and I were ass-raped by the family Jews...Chris and KC. Then we came up to my room and just had a lot of fun talking about stuff.
Sad part now. I woke up this morning crying, I had this horrible nightmare where my mom was dead. It woke me up at six this morning and because I couldn't stop thinking about it, I just cried some more and eventually got out of bed and started getting ready for my day. ( I had to take the old woman to Kirtland Credit Union so she could get money, then take her to get her van with her new money) I don't know why it's hitting me so hard, I've had nightmares before with death in them but I've never had them to where they stick around. Maybe it's the leftover stress from when we thought my mom might have breast cancer, and that wrapped up with the fact that she has Hepititus C or something...I dunno.
I just really felt like blogging to get some things off my mind...blogs are good for that, I was never much into diaries...diaries to me represent every day. I guess that's because of their original nature...my blog is different, it's more for when I want to speak, not to mention it's a lot easier to transcribe things here, I type much faster than I write.
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09:49 pm
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Okay you little bastards (16122006)
What the FUCK is the deal with people?
I was just sitting in my room, enjoying an evening of video gaming and chatting with some friends, when all of a sudden my brother comes banging into my room to tell me to come out and check my car with him. Apparently a bunch of little fucking punks in a van decided to traipse up and down my goddamn street throwing goddamn golf balls at my car and in my yard. And the dandy part?
Instead of coming in to tell me that there were people throwing golf balls at my car and in my yard, so that I could whoop some ass and dent their heads like they dented my car, she sat there until they were gone to come and get MY BROTHER. She then called the police, whom I'm still waiting on.
What is the fucking deal with people? Why the fuck is the destruction of other people's (expensive) property considered a fun form of entertainment on a Saturday night? Who the hell did I piss off?
I'm throwing down the gauntlet, if you've got a problem with me, put it out in the open now okay? Let's deal with this like adults and not little children. I'm tired of people's immaturity and their bullshit.
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09:48 pm
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Happy Birthday to me!!!! (14122006)
Yup...I'm officially twenty now.
Going to Trans-Siberian Orchestra tonight with Rich and Renee, then going out to dinner at Golden Corral with the family, it's fun, it's rowdy, a lot of people can go and make noise without them being all bitchy...so yeah, if any of you wanna go tomorrow night, show up!! Call me and I'll let you know what time we'll be there so yeah lol
:)
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09:47 pm
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The Random Shit I think up at Seven in the Morning (11122006)
Especially when I don't have to be up this early...I should still be sleeping, I was quite looking forward to it. But hell no, Chris needs to get to school, and Susan called me last night, I'm gonna have to pick him up too, so that kills my thoughts lol. Damn brothers who need stuff and depend on me to get it for them.
But there's something else I've been thinking about. As of Thursday I'll be 20, it's going to be so strange to not say "I want to be a teenager and do what other teenagers do." That's not really going to be an option, I don't know what I'm going to say anymore to try and explain that sometimes I feel like I've lived my life already. I've only had sex once, had one for real boyfriend, don't go out, barely see my friends (that's going to change now that I'm on break, I guarantee it), and just generally went to school, came home, did homework, ran my brothers around, came home, slept, and then did the same thing the next day. It's kinda dull...the way an old person does the same thing day after day with no variation.
Most of it is my doing...I don't try for anything else cause this is what I'm used to and what's comfortable I suppose. But I'm trying to change it now, I want to be reliable and responsible, but I don't want to carry the weight of the world with me...I'm heavy enough lol.
I dunno...no point to this blog, just randomly musing about things since it's seven in the morning and i'm waiting for Chris to get his ass in gear...I'll try and sleep when I get home, but I doubt it'll happen...I'll probably just go to walmart or something, get some Christmas shopping done...yeah, that'd be a good time, everyone's at work or at school, should be okay.
Yeah, if any of y'all feel like hanging out or something, give me a call okay? 505-331-6913. I'd love to hang out with everyone I've not seen for a while. Renee, we're hanging out a shitload this week k? You and Rich and come see my very clean room and come watch me play Fatal Frame 2 now lol.
Have a great day everyone.
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09:46 pm
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When the World Turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world (07122006)
I got into a fight with an ex of mine yesterday and it actually felt really good. When we broke up, we said we'd be friends. We broke up cause he kept trying to change a lot about me. For example, most of you know that I'm an agnostic/atheist (whatever blows your hair back), he's a Jehovah's Witness. Therefore he wanted me to be like that and I said "fuck that, if that's the only way you want to be with me, then you don't want to be with me."
So we broke up, and actually were really good friends until he got a gf. Then he didn't talk to me for two solid weeks, I thought he had been in an accident or something. Now whenever he calls me all he does is talk about her. I'm kinda sick of it. I'm not jealous, she's welcome to him, I'm just tired of the fact that he has nothing to say to me unless it's about her. It doesn't matter what I talk about, it gets circled right back around to her. I've also asked him for help with my computer for months and he always promises that he'll help me that night. But instead I get blown off so that they can go fuck. And they do, a lot. Each time I used to call him on it, he always say something along the lines of "you should have called me and reminded me." Me? I don't have problems remembering things I've promised to do.
He also tells me about all the times they have sex, and they do a lot. And she was unsure of whether or not she's been pregnant a couple times, cause sometimes they're smart, sometimes they're not. I don't condemn him for that, but I do think it's stupid. I told him about the ONE time I've had sex. The condom broke, I took care of myself in that regard, got emergency contraception and also birth control. All by my lonesome. And that makes me a slut, the fact I had sex once, I'm a slut, I'm on birth control I'd "better not be going around and doing things now that I can and not get into trouble" I'm a slut. When he told me that, I said to him "if you can think that about me, then you obviously don't know me as well as you thought you did. That's very fucking insulting and if it took me 19 years to have sex for the first time, what the hell makes you think that I'm going to be easy??"
So yeah, yesterday he called me and was like "you're not being a good friend, you haven't called me in six months and whenever I ask you questions, you don't say anything, just say everything's fine and go on with your day" And I told him why. I don't have anything to say to him anymore, I'm tired of hearing about Britney, about being a sounding board for whenever he wants to talk about her, about him asking my advice about her and then either ignoring it, or asking me for the same advice over and over again. I don't care to do it anymore. He treated me like I'm just second best, that he only talks to me when he's not around her or when they break up for whatever reason. I'm no one's convenience. Oh! And apparently I need to change everything about myself because there's nothing about me that's attractive to any person on any level. Nothing physically, mentally, in my personality, that would attract someone to me. That pissed me off cause if there's something soooooo wrong with me, why do I have so many wonderful friends who would give up lmbs for me? Who love to hang around with me? Who miss me when they don't get to hear from me?
And then it hit me, he wants me to change back into the person I was when he met me: shy, unsure, low self-esteem, easier to manipulate, frumpy, unhappy Kim. The one who depended on him to help me be happy. I told him that there's nothing about me that I need to change except my weight...and I only need that to be more healthy. I've had major life changes in my life since I met him. I'm not the same girl I was back in high school. I'm an adult with some adult issues and a lot of worries besides that. I don't have time to sit around and chit-chat with him. Besides the fact that I have nothing to say to him anymore (I've said everything I wanted to say), I don't have the time to just sit around and do that, I've got school, homework, friends, family, trying to establish a little more active social life, etc. I don't want to talk to someone who's in the middle of highschool type relationship.
So yeah, I fought with him, told him everything that I put here, and said I have nothing to say to him anymore, don't wanna talk to him. He was a toxic person in my life like Renee said. I'm sad for losing all the times that we had shared, but he's not my friend anymore and I'm glad to be rid of someone that brought me down everytime I talked to him.
*breathes a sigh of relief* I feel ten pounds lighter.
In other news, I went to the doctor Tuesday to have the six plantars warts on my left foot taken care of. I got a nice three rounds of liquid nitrogen and it hurts like whoa to walk around. And I may have to go back in a month for more! It's gonna be interesting tomorrow for my concert, standing in dress shoes lol.
You should all come if you can, Renee and I are doing a duet and it's going to be a really pretty concert :)
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09:45 pm
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This make four (02122006)
So this is the fourth time I've been bailed on.
Everything was all set, I was ready to go, and then find out they have to bail...again. Parents were in town and decided they wanted to stay the night. Makes it kinda difficult to have someone over.
So now I'm all dressed up (borrowed clothes from Renee [I look really good...maybe I'll take a picture or something], make-up, pretty hair) with no where to go.
I feel like Cinderella with no ball.
*sigh* We'll just have to arrange this again when it's 105% certain that there will be no family, co-workers, friends or whatever coming over to steal my thunder.
Any suggestions for what to do with myself? All I know is going to the Christmas parade. Probably all I'll do, just go, come home, get into pjs, and go back to being my boring, bored self.
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09:44 pm
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Hmmm (01122006)
Just randomly been thinking about my life lately and the things that are going on with me.
Lots of you probably don't care or know about this already so it's not new to you.
I've come to the realization lately that I really am pretty and attractive. I notice this most when I take pictures of my face. I actually am quite photogenic. Maybe I should consider plus-size modeling. That's a big if though so yeah. I'm pretty, and when I choose to let people see it, they do, it's just easier for me to hide I guess. It's what I'm used to doing all my life, playing down how I look to fade into the woodwork. I don't really know how to start being more feminine, allowing myself to come out of my nice comfortable little shell of anonymity and plainness. I don't know how to do those things and still look like me, and also be comfortable.
I'm also a sucker for anyone who happens to deign to give me attention. If someone gives me attention and is nice to me, or sweet, and calls me pretty or gives me a compliment of any kind, I tend to be very attracted to them and I tend to fall fast and hard. I'm getting better about it now, being honest about what I expect from people and from relationships from the get-go has really helped. Also not deluding myself about other people and their motivations and things has helped also.
I'm inherently honest, I just try to be as upfront and honest to everyone I meet. I may have to find a nicer way of phrasing my words and such, but I'm honest. And it's just such a killer to me when people aren't as honest with me as well. I would prefer someone tell me harshly that I'm fat and ugly and they wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot-broomstick as opposed to being nice and saying that they are interested in me and then disappearing. I also love the fact that my friends trust me enough and have enough faith in my character and my personality to be honest with me about things as well and know that I may get upset by what they tell me, but it's only temporary and I don't hold grudges.
I'm patient and accomodating. I bend over backwards for my brothers and my family whenever they need me to. The only people who really even bother to acknowledge that I do anything are my parents. My brothers do it ocassionally, but it's very disproportional in respect to everything I do. I love my family and friends and I try and do as much as I can for them...sometimes though I have to disappoint both of them because I'm trying to learn to be patient with myself as well and learn to give myself some time to just enjoy being myself, to do the things that I love to do, and that I missed doing. I'm also trying to learn to give myself quiet time as well. Time to just reflect and get in touch with myself, meditating, relaxing, etc. It hurts them that I'm not always available like I used to, I don't think it makes me less reliable, just is a subtle way of telling them that I'm not the same person who had nothing else to do, who wanted to do nothing else. I'm a bit more independent and I want to do things for myself sometimes and they may conflict with the things they've pre-determined I'm going to do, without asking me. When this happens, I do usually end up giving up or cancelling my plans but ocassionally I don't have to, and everyone continues to live on, the world doesn't come to a screeching halt.
Yeah...Those are just some of the things I've been thinking of lately. I have new pictures up, and some older ones that a lot of people haven't seen...they're kind of a nice way to see the transition of myself. But yeah. Have fun, thanks for reading my random musings
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09:41 pm
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I'm proud of myself (13112006)
Luigi called me today and I decided that it was time to end this shit so I picked up and told him I don't want him in my life and I want nothing to do with him, to leave me alone, I meant what I said and I don't want him in my life, and he got all pissed off and hung up, and now he just IMed me.
luis118: I just thought that I'd let you know that I deleted your numbers from my cell
Kimbly: doesn't hurt my feelings. i've not had you in mine for a long time
luis118: I don't care
Kimbly: that's what you always say...but whatever
luis118: wanna see how fast I can hack your computer
Kimbly: try it, i'll have the cops on you so fast it'll make your head spin, i don't have to take harrassment
luis118: leave me alone hippo
I'm proud that I finally started standing up to him and I ended that relationship in all forms that I know of. I hate confrontation but I like that I was able to tell him to fuck himself sideways and that I don't have to take his shit anymore.
I'm not worried about being hacked, he didn't even know how to put up a background on myspace until i told him how.
Yeah just wanted to share how I felt "empowered" as Aaron put it :D lol. He's such an awesome guy
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09:40 pm
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Long time (11112006)
Well it's been over a month since I've blogged and so I figured I'd write a little bit.
Well apparently there's something about me that turns the guys I like gay. Or they decide that they don't want to be in a relationship with me, they just want me for sex, typically in addition to their girlfriend and/or wife. Kinda sucks.
Although on a very positive note, Friday after my Bible as Literature class, one of the guys in there walked with me to the shuttle, sat next to me and then thanked me for keeping him company on the way to our cars. We talked pretty much the entire time and he's really nice. It was sweet of him. I hope he does it again, he's really fun to talk to.
I did have something planned for tonight but that fell through...so sad day for me.
I have a bunch of stuff coming up for school, an oral presentation for German, I think I'm gonna do it on German Opera and opera composers cause we need an A/V aid and I have German Operas on CD by some different composers and I know a lot about a few of them...I'm thinking of singing a little bit too...not sure though. He's really big on singing though so I might score some brownie points there lol. I need to go see him Tuesday during his office hours just to get an idea on how to go about it, and then to ask about some other stuff that I'm unsure how to do.
Have exams and essays in my other classes. We're reading Dracula in my honors class, it's the first time I've ever read it, and it's interesting. We've read or are reading some really good books in that class, if anyone wants to borrow one or wants a recommendation on one, let me know.
Yeah I'm kinda outta steam, I was thinking something else to write but then nothing...I drew a blank.
Yeah so this was basically about nothing, there's nothing so momentous in my life that it really requires a blog...I'm pretty boring lately. I think I've just stopped trying. You can't get hurt if you don't try! lol I don't know, maybe I'm just lazy and waiting for things to come to me for once.
Meh
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09:39 pm
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Okay, going to be totally lazy (06102006)
Okay going to be totally lazy and just copy this straight from an IM window, so expect improper grammar lol. If you want details later or you're sitting there going "wha..?" ask me!!
i've had a pretty good day, went to my star wars movie marathon, had a flipping blast, didn't really watch the movies, were talking a whole lot but when we did it was usually to comment on them or make fun of them lol, got some insight into a new idea for my essay, then because there was some kind of weird thing with the shuttle system, my teacher and i walked to our parking lots (two miles in twenty minutes) it felt really good!!! then left the parking lot, went to the football game, and came home
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09:34 pm
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In general (this is a self-pity post) (25092006)
I'm just lonely and pathetic. I want so much and I don't get it. Maybe I want too much? Should I stop wanting at all and just go about my life as the worthless automaton I feel I am sometimes? Should I just continue my life as a shadow of a person? To be seen when in the sun but once the sun leaves, forgotten?
Am I a toy to be set aside when outgrown? A plaything that only has value when one is being entertained by it? People seem to move on from me when they no longer have a use for me...a used ragdoll. Maybe I'm just that, a temporary amusement with no long-term value.
I've kept a few of my friends for a long time, Aaron, Renee, Michael, Lalie, Jenny, others too, I just can't remember everyone. And I think part of that is because none of them have to deal with trying to love me a certain way. They all can think of me as a friend, a sister, a close one to their hearts maybe, but none of them has to "love me best". I don't have to be the companion of their hearts or the one they have to say "I love you" to and mean it in that romantic, deep feeling kind of way.
What is it about my personality or my visage or my figure that causes guys to be initially attracted and intrigued and then when the prospect of meeting me comes about, they laugh and say okay and then stand me up (as has happened a couple times now) or they just tap dance around it and don't want to meet me at all. If it's because of some flaw, be honest, tell me, I'll fix it. Is it because I'm fat? I'm planning on fixing that too...maybe I'll become anorexic like Nicole Richie...will that make guys notice me? Will that bring me out of the woodwork? Is it because I don't wear make-up? I'll fix that too, I'll put on the shield that most women use to protect themselves from the slings and arrows of men and women alike. Should I be aloof and let you come to me? Be passive? I can try that too...ha, I've waited years and years, it's no new status for me.
I just wish I had what my parents have, or what Rich and Renee have, or what Michael has, even if it's not the real thing...I'd be happy to know what it's really like to love someone and have them love you back and mean it, not just use it as a tool to get into one's pants. I know that it sounds serious and intense and that I should probably lower my standards a little and just be happy with what I do have and wait for the right one. I really do, I'm just...meh.
I'm sorry this is another one of my random bents of self-pity...just it's been on my mind a lot since Saturday when a guy I was totally into and I thought was into me, and he didn't even call, I've not heard from him since Thursday night and I don't know if he's hurt or just didn't want to have to pretend to like me to be nice (cause who wants to crush the fat girls hopes and dreams?) or anything. It's frustrating and hurtful. I just don't know.
I'm sorry again, I know I should keep my chin up and just be positive, I really am trying. These are just the thoughts that are plaguing me. I'll really really try and be positive and not bitching about how my lovelife sucks. Promise, scout's honor and everything lol.
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09:33 pm
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Whatever...I give up (23092006)
So Again, it would appear that I've been stood up. And this guy, asked for the date...he clearly and succinctly asked me if I wanted to get together with him after his class which he was going to inform me when it got out...he didn't.
So I like a stupid, stupid, stupid, gullible, desperate to be loved, child, got up early and got all pretty and dressed up all nice for him. It's after five in the afternoon now...and still no word. No text, no call, no email, no IM. It hurts.
Now I'm just ready to give up. I hate being strung along and made to feel like I'm someone special or pretty or anything and then have the rug pulled out when someone doesn't show or call even acknowledge me. I'm ready to just give up on finding someone who loves me best. Or even finding someone who can make me feel like I'm special for just a few brief moments. I'm ready to stop hoping and trying to find a guy who likes me the way I am. Who thinks I'm pretty and worthwhile and deserving of something as simple as a phone call to say "I can't make it." I'm ready to stop looking for a guy who doesn't exist for me. I know there are people out there who do find the perfect one for them they're soulmate and love of their lives and I am more than happy for them. It just doesn't appear to be in the cards for me.
Who knows? Maybe this guy does have a really good reason, it's more than likely and he'll call me and let me know and we can hang out tonight. Or maybe his class hasn't even started or something, I just don't know...he could have lost interest like so many others have, I'll just have to wait and see. That's all I can do...all I'm good at. That and being available for everyone else's needs, at the expense of my own plans or needs...I'm really good at that too.
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09:32 pm
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Very small update (04092006)
Just wanted to inform everyone that my room has been rearranged and my poor, old, faithful waterbed is no longer in service *sniff sniff* I now have a new daybed and it's pretty :) lol
So yeah...come visit me or something :-P
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09:31 pm
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Just one thought (25082006)
Why do people give other people shit about their blogs? Your blog is a place for you to put your thoughts and emotions without having to worry about offending anyone. It's your personal space to vent, rant, muse, blather, and just write as you see fit. Why should you censor yourself so as not to offend someone...that's not the point.
On to other news...I'm thinking about writing poetry again...I don't believe I was very good but a friend encouraged me to go back to writing because they liked my stuff and thought I should keep it up. Who knows?
OH!! Finished my first week of my sophomore year...it's not too bad, my algebra class might worry me a bit cause of the sheer volume of work in it. I like my German class...I just need to take this weekend and reorient myself with the stuff I learned in 101 so I don't feel like a retard lol. My Bible as Literature class is really interesting and I love the lady who teaches it...she's just so cool...she's almost like the perfect English teacher. I forget sometimes that she's teaching the Bible haha. It's really neat, I want to read her book that she published because she's just so full of energy and I like her. I love my honors class, it's full of geeks like me who like fantasy books and all that lol. I get to read the Lord of the Rings and the first Harry Potter book in there...how cool is that? For a complete list of books that I get to read please ask ;)
But yeah, I'm gonna head off and continue talking to Aaron. :D Laters :
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09:29 pm
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Very small (19082006)
I just wanted to post a little short blog about what's going on in the life of Kim at the moment :)
For all of you who were worried about me posing for that magazine? Don't, I'm not doing it, I tried to get more information from them about locations and contact numbers and they didn't give it to me, so I decided not to do it. It's too seedy.
I got my financial aid finally, so a thousand went to my parents (long story, if you wanna know, ask in person), I bought a couple things from my Walmartin' and Hasting expedition earlier (a scientific calculator which I need for my algebra class, some post-its, gum and mints and then two Resident Evil books). Now on Monday or Wednesday I'll go to the Cashiers and pay off the charge account at the UNM bookstore that I opened to get my books. They weren't too bad $176.82. I'm so excited, my honors class has the first Harry Potter as a course book :D That's exciting, I won't even have to do the reading for it lol. And and and!! The Lord of the Rings trilogy!!!
Family Values Tour was sooooo awesome! It was a really nice thing to do at the end of the summer to kinda say bye to it you know? It was also really cool cause it was the first concert that wasn't classical or school oriented that I've been to in about ten years, so I was overdue lol. It was really fun, I went with Lalie and her brother Gerard, and he's usually really shy around people he doesn't know so I was really excited by the time the day was over the three of us were engaging in a lot of real conversations. During the concert, I sat between them and he would lean over and talk to me...which was interesting cause he always talks when he smiles, just like his sis and they both have such pretty smiles lol. It was a complete blast and KoRn rules so much ass live. I was pissed I had to leave right after Falling Away From Me which was like the fifth song. We had such a good view...but my fucknut brother wanted to leave so yeah. :(
Onto my lovelife, there's a guy who lives in Wisconsin, his name's Shaun. He's 27, in the navy and so wonderful. He makes me blush. Let's just put it that way. It's hard to do that for me but he does and I love it, he's the sweetest, most awesome guy I know. He's up for orders in a couple months and he said he's gonna request to be transferred down here so he can be closer to me. How sweet is that?!?! He also asked me in idle speculation that if (hypothetically) we were living together and he came home from work and brought my home one of those grocery store single roses? So I told him honestly. I would love it, I don't get flowers all that often and while expensive flowers are great, non-expensive ones are just as great because it meant that he was thinking of me and just wanted to get something for me. I don't care if it's something simple because it's sweet and romantic and I would cry cause I'm a girl like that lol. I then told him my favorite flowers are carnations *hint hint* lol. (By the way, they're my favorite flowers because to me, carnations are the only flower that has a specific smell you know? Like to me roses don't smell like the fragrances and candles and stuff have them smell, they just smell like plants to me, and that's great cause I like the way plants smell, but they don't smell specific to me. To me carnations smell like those hardcandy hearts you get around Valentine's Day hehehe, it makes them special to me.) I'm also planning on going up to Wisconsin for a long weekend sometime soon to visit him cause he has his own house and if he came here, it'd be hard for us to spend so much time together with me in school and stuff. So that's coming up soon hopefully :)
Onto the moron twins a.k.a. Chris and Sharla. Because it was such a pain in the ass last semester for my mom to be picking her up for school (because her own parents won't even fucking do it), she's now going to be staying the night here so that I can drop her and Chris off at school together, and then get my own ass to school. Now because the two of them are them, they have their last class of the day ending at 7:15 at night, that's kinda late to be driving for another hour to take her home, and then another forty five minutes to come home. So I'm getting the impression that she's going to end up staying the night then too...meaning she'll be at my house four days a week. Like Renee said last night, this is like Stage 1 of Sharla moving in. I mean this is all speculation, we'll have to see how it goes...but I have a nasty feeling that's going to happen and I don't want it to. I like Sharla, she makes my brother happy, but I do NOT want her moving it...we've too many people in our house as it is. Random bitching on my part and maybe I'm being unfair but I don't think I am.
Wow...that was supposed to be short...I didn't realize I had so much to say! hahaha Yeah but I'm outta here now, comment pwease :D
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09:28 pm
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Okay... (16072006)
Okay everyone, I think the time has come to let you all in on what I'm probably going to do that way I can get more opinions. If you absolutely disapprove, I'm very very sorry, but it's a lot of money, and it's something easy that I can do. And if I choose to do it...please don't hate me, think less of me, or stop being friends with me okay?
Okay what I've been thinking about doing for a little while now. I was approached to pose nude for a porn magazine that features big women. I wouldn't be performing any kinds of acts, I'd just be nude, partially nude, or doing what's called an "open spread"...use you imagination.
It's a ton of cash, 2000 for full nude, 500 for partial nude, and then 1000 for the "open spread." I still haven't come to solid conclusion yet on what I'm going to do...but the time is coming for me to either say "yes I'll do it" or "no thanks."
So I need your opinions. Like I said up there *points* it's nothing overly bad, it's just posing, no sex, no penetration. And as soon as I finish my shoot I get a money order that would be the amount I've earned, and it's all expenses paid to get to and from the shoot. I'm really leaning towards doing this cause I think it's very empowering and shows that not only skinny little bimbo with a body like a 12-year-old boy topped by fake breasts can be sexy. I'm sexy! lol
So if I do it, don't hate me. If you feel that you can't be friends with someone who did stuff like that...then I'm sorry you're not open-minded or open-hearted enough for it, and I wish you well...you probably weren't a good friend in the first place.
So yeah...tell me what you think...honestly.
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09:27 pm
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If you're my friend respond. (09072006)
I'm having an issue right now...and I'm not sure if I want to try and pursue it or not. I need opinions from my friends and since I'm not my friend I can't get them from myself haha.
If you're interested in giving me your opinion, get ahold of me in some way, shape, or form and I'll let you know, I don't want to put it on here cause I know how it sounds, it's easier to tell people one at a time.
I've got my phone number's 505-331-6913, email: singinmommahen@yahoo.com, messengers, Yahoo! singinmommahen, MSN singinmommahen@yahoo.com, AIM kimblyann18, and then yeah, if you know where I live, there's always that in person thing too lol.
I really need your opinions before I make a decision because y'all will make or break this okay? I'm leaning towards one side but I want to talk to you first
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09:26 pm
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The Vacation (02072006)
Well a lot of what happened was far too detailed to write about here...if you want to know about it, ask me in person okay? But just to sum up some of the highlights of the vacation, here's a high and a low. I was less than a mile from ALL THE STARS OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN WHO CAME TO THE PREMIERE AT DISNEYLAND! I could practically smell them...and they all smelled...like sex lol. And...one night my brother and his fiancee took a shower together, which I don't mind at all. But they were in there for like 45 minutes and when I went in there after them...the tub wasn't draining right and...ummm... ummm...I was gonna be polite but fuck that. They left a jizzberg in there. I told my dad and he talked to them...they of course claimed they'd done nothing in the shower...yeah fucking right. So yeah!! Those were a high and a low from the vacation, if you want to know more, call me or just ask in person lol. If you need my number ask.
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09:26 pm
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And the clock is ticking (19062006)
Well, the clock is ticking...less than two days before we are on a plane to go to Disneyland!!! I can not tell you how flipping excited I am, I can't wait to get out of this state for a week...where the temperature is twenty degrees cooler, guys are nice to look at (hehehe), and away from the old people. I love going to Disneyland, it's one of the things that I just look forward to every time my parents say we're gonna go...unfortunately my parents have also been saying that this is going to be the last vacation we're all going to be taking as a family...and that's sad. I love our family vacations...but Chris and Sharla are gonna be getting married and starting their own family so I suppose it makes sense. *sigh*Oh well...on to other news...I'm pretty much packed, I have the clothes I'm gonna wear for the flight laid out and everything already, most of the clothes I'm gonna wear while we're there are packed, I just need to get all my toilettries and stuff together, but I'm gonna do that tomorrow obviously, then I need to get my carry-on bag together...I have to go back to Wal-Mart in a while, I forgot bras, socks and hair elastics while I was there yesterday, got everything else though.
Oh if you all want something, remember to tell me and I'll do my best to make it happen k?
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09:25 pm
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To everyone who responded to my other blog (16062006)
Thanks a lot. I really really appreciate all of you for giving me your support, your bashings of my ex and of men in general :P. It really helped me get through this and realize that I'm better than that and for that you all deserve huge hugs. Love you guys!!! I just wish that the fuckhead would stop calling me and texting me. When he texts me it's with the same type of deal that he used to text me when we were together, and when he calls he doesn't leave messages, just calls and calls and calls. I don't answer either because when I broke up with him, I told him I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Apparently he doesn't get that or is ignoring it or thinks I'm playing because he continues to do it...and it's really pissing me off you know? On to other things, I got my hair cut yesterday in a rebellious fit of grrrr-ness. Yep, it used to be just above my butt, now it's just below my shoulders and I think it looks really really good. I just went in to the Wal-mart hair cutting place cause I like the way one of the people works in there and told him the shortest that I wanted it and then said "go." He had free rein of my hair and I like the way he did it. It looks really awesome, I'll take some pics later and post them, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay...better than I expected to be and that I love you all. Oh! BTW what would you all think of me getting and anklet tattoo? It'd be small flowers twining around my ankle.
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09:24 pm
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Sad News (14062006)
I guess some of you already know, but the rest of you do need to know...I broke up with Luigi. Today and it hurts...it hurts a lot cause no matter what, part of me is always going to love how we used to be. Basically to make a very long story short, he wasn't who he said he was (anything...including his name and where he lives) and he was cheating on me or using me to cheat on someone else...I didn't get it clear, I just found out there was someone else and ended it. Now you all know...feel free to say "I told you so."
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09:22 pm
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Hard Times (10062006)
I know this isn't going to make sense to a lot of people, I just wanted to get my feelings down. I'm confused and I'm scared and I feel like I'm not good enough all of a sudden...I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I'm not adventurous enough, I'm too adventurous, I'm not feminine enough, I'm being too feminine for the "wrong" people, I let people know where I am often enough, I let them know too much, I bug people, I leave them alone too much. I'm just out of it and lonely I suppose...don't mind me okay? I'll be alright
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09:18 pm
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Blah (03062006)
I dunno what my issue is lately. I've been kinda down in the dumps for no real reason, I just am. I'm kinda bored cause I have nothing to do really, I get in this rhythm with school and now that I'm not in school cause I'm taking summer off, I'm out of it. I guess I should go do something...lose some weight or something.
So last week Renee and I decided that we'd try making an appointment at David's Bridal and maybe we'd be treated like people. And you know what? It worked, especially as we went and got a totally different person than whom we had a year ago, the one who totally blew us off cause the wedding was in 2007. So yeah we found Renee's dress, if you go to her profile you can see her in it, and we found a few options for bride'smaids dresses for me. I'm not putting up pics cause yeah, these were just for ideas and stuff. When we have it finalized I might put up a picture. The main color is really pretty, it's called pool and it's this really stunning bright blue. You can go to the David's Bridal website and look at the dresses and you should see it. Right now, Renee and I are having a bitch of a time trying to figure out what we're gonna do for the reception, Renee and Rich want to get married at the Aquarium/Botanical Gardens and because they can only rent an area for three hours, we have to do something else for reception. So we think we're gonna go from the Biopark to a restaurant in Old Town (one that's supposedly haunted!) and then from there, they'll go to the hotel and we'll meet up again for the Bride and Groom morning after breakfast. It's gonna be beautiful if we can just get loose ends tied up.
It's getting closer to the 21st which means that it's getting closer to when my family, Renee, and Her Royal Majesty the airhead get to go to Disneyland! I'm pretty excited about that, I love Disneyland and Universal Studios lol, last time I was there I got my face painted and it was really lovely and fun, I have pictures somewhere, maybe I'll post them so you all can laugh at my love of Unicorns (one of my favorite animals).
I'm still waiting for a certain somebody to come and see me...he's just being a slowpoke about it lol :P just kidding handsome, I know you're a busy guy...I just want you here, so I can pinch you on the nose :biggrin:
Well that's all for right now...anybody know how I can lift myself out of my little funk?
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09:17 pm
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Ugh...damn flipping hotness (20052006)
So today, Renee, Quiana, Rich and I went into Albuquerque to get some hard and fast ideas of bride's maids' dresses and also the bridal gown! (Renee knows the whole superstition thing and doesn't care and doesn't believe it) It was pretty fun except it was hot as the seventh layer of hell in Alb and none of the stores we were in believe in moving air, they just want the air to be cool. Every flipping store we went into, and I do mean every one, every person that was inside that store gave us weird looks like we were breaking some kind of law being in the store and daring to try on the dresses. What? Are fat people not supposed to want to look good too? Are we not allowed to get married too? Don't even get me started on sizes and things, I've got an entire hatred built towards the "fashion" industry for making it so that fat people clothes have basically no fashion, or they are ugly and make you ashamed of the way you are, which is the antithesis of everything we're taught to be proud of who you are and don't let anyone change you and all that shit. Moving back to the dresses and things, when we were in David's Bridal, there was this group of Mexican women who, every time Quiana or I would come out of the changing room, they would snicker and make little snide comments. I hated that they made me feel ashamed to be the way I am, I really do. It's not right and it's not fair, I'm proud of who I am and what I look like, I'm not exactly Tammy Toothpick but I'm far from Jabba the Hutt too. I mean SOME people obviously love the way I am, my friends, my family, the man I love. Why can't the rest of the world go hang and leave us alone? Why can't they accept and let us be the way we are, just the same way we do to them? Okay...moving on. On our way home, cause I was driving and we were in my car, it got over 95 degrees today and I was sweating like a roasted pig right? So I turn on my air conditioner, I don't even have it on for ten minutes and all of a sudden I start smelling this funky, rancid smell. Like burning plastic and metal and just grossness. So I turn off my air conditioner, figuring it's just way too hot and my engine hasn't had the chance to cool off at all today cause again, it's as hot as the seventh layer of hell. So we get to Isleta and all of a sudden, I see smoke coming out of my hood and the smell is back, so we pull off the road and thank god we were near this little smoke shop. Rich and I open my hood and discover that the air compressor for my air conditioner, is smoking. As in, it might catch on fire any moment smoking. So Rich goes to the business and knocks...then we see the closed sign.... Yeah, that's what we were thinking too...oh...fuck. So we're trying to find something to maybe cool off the engine and this woman comes to the door, thank Christ she hadn't left yet, and tells us that although she doesn't have a fire extinguisher (which I think is against state law), she does have a bucket and a water spigot out back. So Rich goes and gets water, and he pours it over the compressor. Steam and smoke like you wouldn't believe come pouring off cause my engine is hot and he's putting out whatever it is that's making it smoke. So we call my parents, tell them what's what and then sit there for about twenty minutes or so until my engine cools off some and then get to my house. My engine was fine, I mean the temperature guage and everything were reading normal so I knew it was just the air compressor and nothing else which I can only be thankful for. Then there was a shitload of drama cause Rich's mom had a Rhino crawl up her ass and die...sideways...so the horn is sticking her. She's just becoming quite a bitch for no good goddamn reason and taking it out on Rich and Renee for no reason. But yeah...that was generally my day...now I'm sweaty and gross and I need to clean up and get cool. See ya ladle.
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09:15 pm
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So I Very Much Rule this Semester (16052006)
Muahahahahaha!!! I rule!!! My final grade was finally posted last night. My grades for this semester are as follows: German 101: A Public Speaking: A- Psychology 105: A Music Appreciation 140: A University Choir: A Which makes my GPA a 4.07...I think I'm gonna keep my scholarship lol, how about you? Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing this. To me, that seems really good for my first year in college, especially after the first couple of months last semester. I was seriously considering dropping out. I was lonely and I didn't feel like I was transitioning well. But then I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that I wouldn't transition unless I was open to change so I opened myself and then got on the ball and made some friends! In fact, one of my friends and I have now adopted a policy where we have at least one class together every semester lol. Last semester it was English 102, this semester it was German 101 (us and languages man lol) and next semester it'll Bible as Literature. She talked me into it, that's all I have to say, it'd probably be the only way that I'd read that book anyway...I just get too busy. On to other news, my family and I are going to see WWE wrestling tonight...Smackdown baby! Which means that I might be on TV Friday night when the show airs. That'd be cool. (note to self, remember to bring earplugs) It gets extraordinarily loud, and it's gonna be hot as all hell too...damn. In a little over a month it's vacation time! We (my mom, dad, brothers, brother's airhead, me, and my best friend Renee) will be off to California! Disneyland, Universal Studios, Medieval Times, the works. And we're gonna be staying in this beautiful hotel too, the Anabella. If you want to check it out the website it's here. It's gorgeous and we're going to be staying in the Mini-Suite...which means people are going to be sharing up on beds but it's alright. Umm...yeah, that should bring everyone up to date on me and what's going on. Have a great day and great summer everyone!!
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09:14 pm
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Last Day of Finals, here I come!! (11052006)
Whew...the semester is almost over for me. Just one more day of Psychology and I'll be done. This semester wasn't really hard, just kinda stressful with all of the different stuff that's been going on with classes and friends and all of that stuff. Yeah I have my last final tomorrow morning at ten. It's Psyche and I'm kinda worried cause according to the history passed down by the TAs there has never been a single A on this guy's final in the entire time he's been teaching Psyche 105. And the reason for this is because he gives at least three quizzes a week, all online and while we can take them as many times as we want till we get the score we want, the questions come from a pool (the exams that we have every week are questions pulled directly from the quizzes, so in order to study for the exams you have to take the quizzes over and over again and it's time-consuming) and the pool each week is like two to three hundred questions. So in order for us to study for the final, he told us to redo one type of the quizzes which are the lecture quizzes which are obviously the quizzes based on his lectures and they don't even cover the stuff he lectures about...ridiculous. There are 15 lecture quizzes that he wants us to do over in order to review for his final which is 80 questions...the pool for this thing? Over 700 questions. Can you memorize 700 questions and 700 answers especially when sometimes the only difference between two questions is one word? Probably not...so I'm a little scared lol. Wish me luck?
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09:12 pm
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You Bitter, Hateful bitch (05052006)
While I entertained thoughts of making a very long and elaborate blog to tell you this. I thought better of it and decided to make it short and sweet. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I couldn't give a flying fuck what you choose to do with your life, not anymore. I could care less that you're ruining what little life you have left and are determined on bringing down otherwise good people with you. The only thing I care about is the fact that you thought to come to something that was important and special to me and try to ruin it. And as for your little buddy? Whatever you feel justifies your actions tonight, petty childish revenge by putting me in a situation that I was hardly able to tolerate, is not acceptable, and it's going to be a long time to forgive and forget, if ever. Leave me alone and stay out of my life.
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09:11 pm
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Ignorance...pure and simple (11042006)
A very good friend of mine posted this blog and another very similar to it and received endless amounts of abuse and ridicule. He was called a racist, an "ignorant American", lazy, and several other foul names. I don't see why as he was only stating the simple truth of how he, and many other AMERICANS (legal ones, not the ones that just hopped the border [in either direction]) view this issue. Is he wrong? I don't believe so, I happen to agree with him on this issue. I don't believe that illegal immigrants are entitled to the rights that have been fought for, died for, killed for, and therefore are the EXCLUSIVE property of American citizens. Hey, it's fair right? "More than 36,000 students from throughout Los Angeles County, California skipped classes and marched through streets and on various freeways Monday, March 27, 2006, to protest an immigration bill being debated in Congress. "We may be illegal immigrants, but we are human," Metropolitan High School senior Melania Preciado said as she waved a Mexican flag. "We deserve the same rights as everyone else, not be treated like criminals."
What an ironic statement.
If we all went to Mexico...would we be treated as humans?? (Think of all your friends who have driven down to Mexico for a weekend trip and were either thrown in jail for looking at the Mexican police the wrong way, or were pulled over for no apparent reason and FORCED to pay off the Mexican police in order NOT to be thrown in jail)...
1. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance, and have an accident.
2. Enter MEXICO illegally - never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
3. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
4. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
5. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
6. Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
7. Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
8. Demand a local Mexican drivers license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico.
9. Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
10. Demand that American Holidays like Labor Day, the 4th, or Memorial day are national holidays.
Good luck!
It will not happen in Mexico nor any other country in the world...except right here in the United States... Land of those who want to take care of everyone, except American Citizens!
If you agree, pass it on. If you don't, Please....go ahead and try all the above in Mexico (and enjoy the prison there too...)" Comment me on this. I want to know what you all think.
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09:10 pm
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Last Friday Night (06042006)
I know this took forever and a day to get up but now was the only chance I had to get it all up...it's a long story. If some of it doesn't make sense I'm sorry but hopefull you'll get the gist of it. friday afternoon, i had to go pick up my brother's airhead on my way home from school, like i usually do. i brought her here only to discover that my little brother had two of his friends here...so i was kind of "oh" about that. later that night, the entire family including friends and airhead, have dinner together at which time chris (my older brother) and sharla (the airhead) tell me what their plans are for the evening, they want to go and see a 7:40 showing of Ice Age two. I was like, that's fine, whatever. so at 6:35 I tell them that they have 30 minutes to get ready to leave so i can get them there in time for them to get their tickets before the movie starts. as time is passing by i'm letting them know how much time they have left and so on and then KC (my little brother) calls me over to where he is. He wants to know if i can take his friend Nick home...I asked where this kid lived and he lives in an area called meadow lake. besides the fact that i've never even been there before, it's already dark out, this place is a veritable maze (i was told) and it happens to be where half the gangs originate. this kid has no other way home except for me so i was like "i guess". when 7:05 comes around, i tell chris and sharla it's time to go and let's get in my car, and not only are they not ready....they're also not the only ones going...my little brother and his friends are too...without letting me know or even asking me. so now there are six people (including myself) in my car...my car has poor shocks. chris is the one sitting next to me and his fiancee...and he, being extremely long legged, has one foot on Sharla's side and his other foot on mine...right behing my foot in fact...pressing on my foot, there by pressing on the gas pedal, making us go faster than i'm comfortable driving with five extra people in my car, so i tell him to move his foot...and while he does move it back, it's still there. all the time that i'm driving them to the theatre, they're screaming and hollering and just carrying on, to the point that i told them they needed to shut the fuck up...i was having an immensely hard time concentrating and driving with them doing that. so we finally get there in one piece and i drop them off and get about halfway home when my mom calls me. It turns out that showing is sold out so they're going to a later showing of the movie...and to go back and see what they want to do in the meantime. so by now i'm calling luigi and asking him what to do and just letting him know what's going on, and he's telling me to go home, if they want to see a later movie, let them wait for it...fuck 'em. i'm constantly waiting on them, no more. but i can't help but feel bad especially if they are just standing around outside waiting for me. so i go back, and no one's outside, so i park and go inside, no one's there either, so i called my mom and let her know about it and she was like "oh they're probably at walmart then, why don't you run over there?" I told her no i wasn't going to go looking for them because i'm tired of it, and i'm not gonna chase them down cause they didn't want to wait. I'm coming home. she said okay, and so i get about halfway home again and my best friend Renee calls me, she and her fiance are at walmart and saw my personal assholes and thought i might still be close. so i wait for them at a restaurant and they meet me and we go inside to get drinks and talk to kill the time, we go back to the theater later on and we wait for them to decide to come out in the parking lot. they do and it's at this time i notice my gas is between a quarter and a half, which is not enough to get everyone home considering to get sharla home involves getting on the freeway...and six people (some of whom are no pixies) in an old heavy car means it takes more gas in order to move it and get it up to speed. so i ask everyone how much money they have cause i have nothing. and chris is mysteriously quiet and still outside the car...and he lies to me...he says he doesn't have anything. and i tell him if i don't get gas, no one gets home. so he pulled out this huge wad of cash and says i'll give you money as long as you pay me back...i couldn't help but think "you miserly, tight-assed, money grubbing bastard, how dare you" and then i go to the gas station, pay pump my gas and open my door to get back in, and chris' fucking foot is back where it was before, on my side, so i tell him to move it again, and tell him that he can't keep his foot there because it blocks my foot, if i have to slam on my brakes for some reason cause someone cuts me off or something then we're gonna get into an accident because your foot is blocking me from getting to the brakes and he turns his head, and yells in my ear," STOP FUCKING WITH ME" so at that point i'm just so flabbergasted that i shut my mouth, look straight ahead and just cry the entire time i was driving sharla home, whenwe get to her house, she gets out and my brother does too, slams the door, doesn't say good night and just goes into her house, no body said anything, none of the other boys said anything to chris, nothing, just sat back there and enjoyed the show and watching me cry, so my little brother's friend asks to borrow my phone so he can call his mom to stay the night so i won't have to take him home. and yeah that works out all great and then chris comes back and gets inside, doesn't say anything and then i drive us home. the entire way home i'm still crying and not saying anything. when we get back to my house, i turn off the engine and purposely wait for them to all get out,and of course, none of them say anything, not a thank you or thanks for taking us or anything like that. so i go inside go to my room, get in bed cry some more and go to sleep. my mom comes in the next morning to talk to me about something and sees me laying and staring at the wall, she asks what's up and i tell her everything that happened the night before, she tells me not to worry about paying back chris, she said she'd take car of him, and said he was an ass and then said okay she'd take care of it, so she goes into my brother's room and talks to them and makes them all apologize to me and say thank you, then she called my older brother at work, told him off made him say the same thing and then said that he and sharla need to start paying me for gas money whenever i take them on their little dates cause my car does eat gas like it's going out of fashion So yeah...that's what happened...I guess I stood up for myself a bit and I'm proud of myself for that and my mom is also the one dealing with the idiot brigade tomorrow night as well so I don't have to fuck with them. Yay for me!
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